“It’s okay to not be sure about things. I’m still learning what my identity is. I don’t know if I’ll ever fully solidify it — but as long as you’re trying to learn, you’re doing okay.” — Daniel, Concordia Park, St. Louis, Missouri, November 12, 2025. Photo by Saf Homin.
Daniel is a nonbinary person based in St. Louis, Missouri. In this interview, they reflect on coming to the term recently, feeling disconnected from rigid ideas of masculinity, and how autism, therapy, and queer community spaces—especially theater—have helped them question gender roles with more honesty and care.
How did you understand that you're nonbinary?
I feel as though it came up throughout my life in little situations that made me feel uncomfortable for reasons I couldn’t explain. One example is at barber shops—especially more recently—I feel uncomfortable when they start “man talk.” I feel like I can't fully relate to most guys, their way of thinking, their urges. I also know part of that comes from being autistic. I recently got confirmation from my therapist, which made me feel seen and understood. But related to that, I don’t really relate to how most people feel in terms of gender. When I say “I’m a man,” I don’t feel anything. I don’t relate to those words any more than I would to “I’m a woman.” It feels like just saying words instead of identifying with that gender.
“I don’t put gender on what I see in the mirror — I just see me.”
What does nonbinary mean to you? How do you define it for yourself?
I just consider myself a person, gender-wise. I look male, I know I was born male, and that’s part of why I’m okay with he pronouns. In my opinion, it would be too much work to tell everyone I only go by they/them. I’m okay with he/him because I’m used to it. I don’t necessarily feel dysphoria when I hear it. They/them pronouns make me feel better—they actually feel good. He/him pronouns are just a way to get my attention. So yeah, I don’t feel a connection with the male identity like most guys do. I'd say that’s what being nonbinary is for me.
Do you mean the stereotypical male identity imposed by society?
Stereotypical, yes. I also feel you can be a guy and be more feminine if you want, and still be considered a guy. Although I was used to identifying as a man and didn’t have an issue with that at the time, now I don’t really feel connected to that label. If I feel the need to be feminine, I don’t feel any need to reinforce masculinity. I just don’t care about the male identity — it doesn’t mean anything to me. It just feels not applicable.
Did you always feel like that in childhood? There are lots of stereotypes about playing with dolls or cars.
Not necessarily. In my childhood, I played with my big brother. I have a large family. I grew up in St. Louis but was homeschooled. There are many reasons I don’t always relate to people. My parents were conservative. My brother was into army stuff and guns, but I had five sisters too. Over time, I could easily relate to women just as much as men as a kid. That started to change as I got older, and I saw more differences between me and my guy friends, but I could still relate to women more.
How so?
At least part of it is affected by recent politics. I still get into discussions with my dad. Men in power are uplifted and seen as model men, and I can’t relate at all. I don’t like anything about them. There’s no relation between me and them—gender included. A lot of my friends are women, because I feel they sometimes have more patience, and as an autistic individual, that can be needed. I do have close male friends, but I don’t relate to them in terms of gender roles. I dislike gender roles in relationships. I wish it were just two people figuring things out, instead of “you’re the man—you need to do these things.” Those conversations are what makes me uncomfortable, like in barber shops. I brought up my relationship once during a haircut, and they offered advice I knew I’d never take, but I smiled and went along with it because he was cutting my hair, and I didn’t want to make it weird.
So for you, defining nonbinary comes from not wanting to align with stereotypes associated with masculinity in the US?
Yes. I’m also okay with men who defy those stereotypes and still identify as men. I just don’t feel the identification as strongly as they do.
Are you open about being nonbinary among friends and family?
D: A lot of my close friends know. People who just know me casually, like from college, usually don’t, because I don’t broadcast my life on social media. You’d know if you interacted with me regularly, otherwise it wouldn’t come up. Most of my siblings do know. I don’t think my parents know. I only recently told them I was autistic because it was useful information for reflecting on my childhood. I don’t talk to them often.
Do you happen to have many conversations about nonbinary identity?
D: It depends on the friend group. I have a cool theater friend group—many nonbinary or transgender—so it comes up. In gaming groups, we mostly talk about gaming. Some people there also identify as nonbinary. It’s not fear of rejection—I just only share if asked.
“Gender feels like words to me — not something I connect with, just something people say.”
Would you say St. Louis is friendly toward queer and nonbinary people?
Yeah. Tower Grove Park hosts its own Pride. There’s a big one downtown, but Tower Grove also has one in the fall. Every time I go, I recognize people from previous events. It feels like a community. It's a big enough city to meet new people, but still small enough to continue seeing people you know.
Would you say you face any discrimination?
Not in typical ways. I’m very male-presenting. People treat me as a male, which is often better than others get treated. So I wouldn’t say I face discrimination because I identify as nonbinary—because of how I present. But I still have issues with gender roles in relationships, like I mentioned. It's not exactly discrimination, but it's something I internally go through, knowing I identify as nonbinary but society doesn't see me that way.
“I’ve thought about pinning a nonbinary button on this jacket — it already has stances like pro-trans, pro-LGBT on the back.”
And your partner is not nonbinary, so I assume they have different understandings of relationship roles.
I’m actually going through a tough time now. I’m not together with my partner. It’s been a hell of a year—always learning, growing. I’m in a discovery phase, figuring out what I want my future to look like with partners, or whoever.
What helps you on your journey?
A really good therapist. I found them at an LGBT-friendly event at Tower Grove. They're nonbinary—really open and understanding. Covered in tattoos, which makes me feel less judged. They specialize in neurodivergent individuals, which helped. I’ve had a therapist before and wasn’t sure if therapy was right for me—that’s how you know they’re not the right therapist. With this one, I was like, “Wow, this is good.” I try to question my thoughts to make sure what I feel is real. I felt some form of nonbinary for a long time but didn’t know what it would become. I feel it more strongly now, constantly trying to self-improve by asking difficult questions and seeing if I can answer them.
So transitioning was never something you thought about? Or gender dysphoria? Nonbinary is under the trans umbrella, though some don’t define themselves as trans. How is it for you?
I’ve thought about it a little. I don’t get much dysphoria looking in the mirror, and I’m thankful for that. I feel I was just born into this body, and it’s the body I have. I feel a disconnect between my soul and body—my soul doesn’t have a gender, so I don’t put gender on what I see in the mirror. I just see me. That’s why I don't feel dysphoria. This is the body I have; I’ll live in it. It’s interesting—analyzing why I feel the way I feel helps me become more solid in my sense of self.
“If I feel the need to be feminine, I don’t feel any need to reinforce masculinity — I just don’t care about that identity.”
What do you think about the recent news about removing the X marker from passports? They're overruling it—people will have to update and go back to female or male.
So it makes people identify with a gender they don’t? Honestly, that sounds in line with other recent stupid decisions. So many problems are directly imposed by other people—it’s out of stupidity. It wouldn’t necessarily affect me because I don’t think my passport expires for another six years. We’ll see then. Missouri is not good regarding LGBT rights.
Could you talk more about that? How do you feel about Missouri?
Missouri conflicts me. I grew up in St. Louis, where things are moderately progressive. But Missouri overall is really bad. They don’t like trans people in classrooms, or anywhere. They make it hard to identify as your gender. There have been Supreme Court rulings—I’m blanking now. I went to school in Rolla, connected to Mizzou. The town is small and skews conservative. Engineering people from rural towns. It’s basically a 50/50 split. Most colleges are more progressive. The LGBT groups in Rolla recently became more visible. They hosted a parade—it was cool seeing people not let small-minded Republicans keep them down. I used to lobby in Jefferson City for student groups in ASUM. I lost a lot of faith talking to politicians, especially about cannabis before legalization. They were equating it to cocaine. Saying if medical grow were legalized, kids would get flooded with weed. As dumb as “I’ll brew my own beer and give it to kids.” They kept that stance. It’s hard to argue with people whose minds are made up.
So queer student organizations are the ones standing most for queer communities?
Yeah. At least at my college. My theater organization is also really pro-queer because most people in it are. It was definitely a safe haven for people who didn’t feel accepted elsewhere. They could do theater and be accepted regardless of skill level, orientation, identity.
You do theater as an actor?
I used to. I learned acting in a program called Gitana. It was after school. That’s where I met my girlfriend. It taught acting, dance, and leadership. It involved many queer people and immigrants—focused on multicultural diversity. It accepted everyone. That’s where I started acting. I continued through high school. Then I had to decide between acting and technology. I chose computer science because it was safer. I still loved acting but focused on computer science. In college, I did improv. I auditioned for main stage productions and did one. I was going to do a mainstage production, but it got canceled due to COVID. The organization was really nice and accepting.
Would you say theater helped you with identity and understanding yourself better?
Definitely helped me understand myself better, though in ways you wouldn’t expect. In high school, I was in a play called Black and Blue about the Michael Brown killing in Ferguson. At that time, I was still pretty conservative—raised that way. My brother was a cop. I had a different view. I became more understanding of the Black experience through being in that play and putting myself in that role. Theater helped expand my worldview, become more understanding of others, including nonbinary people I know from theater. It changed a lot about me, though not in ways you'd expect.
“I don’t feel a connection with the male identity like most guys do — it just doesn’t mean anything to me.”
Was theater where you learned about the term nonbinary? How did you know it?
I'm not sure where I first heard it. One strong piece of representation I remember is from BoJack Horseman, with Todd. I always loved Todd as a character, and I feel I need to rewatch the show to see things from his perspective more. That’s probably the biggest representation memory.
Are you a student now?
I graduated in fall 2021. I work fully remotely as a data engineer. I can’t ask for a better position, honestly. I’m at State Farm, and they’re pretty accepting. Last week they sent a company-wide memo recognizing trans people, and I was proud of them. Many companies avoid representing LGBT people. Even on the Reddit post where I found you, someone said you shouldn’t look for people online. That’s exactly what they want—to silence it. Now is the time to stand up for these people more and never stop.
What do you think would help improve understanding of nonbinary identities and communication?
Honestly, with discussions I’ve had with my parents—they get information from Facebook. Nobody young that I know uses Facebook. It’s hard for them to get accurate information. I think an article would help, but it requires effort. So probably some form of short-form video, viewable on a phone… and on Facebook. I've been trying to get them off Facebook.
Do you face situations where people openly deny your identity or say it doesn’t exist?
Not so far. The people I tell are chosen, so I curate the audience. That’s partly why I haven’t told my parents, even though I could. I feel there should be a reason. I had a party not long ago, invited many friends—that’s where I told them, because it was a nice environment. I’ve thought about pinning a nonbinary button on this jacket—it already has stances like pro-trans, pro-LGBT on the back. It would make a nice pin. I might face more opposition later.
So you don’t feel safe opening up to communities you don’t think will understand?
Yes. The current political climate partly encouraged me to be more open, but also made me avoid drawing unnecessary attention to myself. An interview like this feels necessary, but I keep to myself too much to broadcast it in ways that don’t directly benefit me.
Is there a final thought you’d like to share?
It's okay to not be sure about things. It’s okay to keep learning. I’m still learning what my identity is. I don’t know if I’ll ever fully solidify it. But don’t be too hard on yourself. Life is about learning, and as long as you're trying to learn, you're doing okay.
Interview conducted in St. Louis on November 12, 2025.
